A Father's Perspective

Well let's be completely honest...we all know Megan has been writing the blog entries. That is because she is amazing at putting together words in the English language to express the way she is feeling. So since it is around Father's Day, I thought it was about time I spend a few minutes (okay weeks) to put down some of my thoughts about the process. The best time to stop reading would be now...you won't miss much.

If I was to list a few of my feelings (no specific order):
Frustrated
Scared
Amazed
Unworthy
TRULY BLESSED

Let me take a minute to explain each of these a little for you. Any expecting parent is scared. What if you're not the parent you want to be? What if you mess something up? This is natural feeling...I hope. Frustrated!! Many would assume because of the process or wait time. That is not the case. I'm frustrated because there is nothing I can do as dad to get my child home any sooner. The process and wait time is all part of God's plan and I just need to be looking to Him for strength. How can I not be amazed? God is creating a child that we will love for and care for thousands of miles away and He has already placed love in our hearts for him/her. You might ask, how can you feel unworthy and truly blessed at the same time. I guess I would explain it this way, I'm blessed with life, a beautiful wife, a loving family, a great church and most of all being adopted by my loving, heavenly Father. But I feel so unworthy of all thee things and most of all being responsible of one of God's precious children.

In the end, God is amazing and for some reason continues to bless us even when we fail in so many ways. Oh, I forgot one. EXCITED!!! 

Good fortunes.

Went out for dinner this week at our favorite Thai restaurant….we were excited over the silly fortune cookies we received at the end of our meal. God continues to remind us of His faithfulness is BIG and small ways. There has been a lot of movement on the waiting list over the last few months! Three infant referrals from our adoption agency in February, four in March and one so far in April. Seems like our wait is a little easier as we can see a faint light at the end of this long tunnel. Looking forward to the day we announce our own referral, but for now we are celebrating with others who get to look at the beautiful faces of the newest members of their families.

What we did while we were waiting for YOU:

Went to Colorado, Crater Lake, Seattle and Africa

Bought a Prius

Decorated your room

Spent lots of time with high school students

Started a new hobby - snowshoeing

Studied for a nursing certification & an architectural exam

Practiced cooking and eating African food

Read parenting and adoption books

Picked your pediatrician

Celebrated the birth of your cousin Adelaide

Prayed for you, longed for you and imagined the day you would come home

I couldn't have said it better myself...

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush

Recently we have joined a network of other waiting parents from our adoption agency. It is a place where we can share our feelings openly, offer support/encouragement and pray for one another. Many of these families have expressed pain that comes from the words of others who are possibly insensitive or just naïve to the adoption process. We feel so fortunate to have a VERY supportive circle of family and friends that are making this adoption journey with us. Ninety nine percent of the comments we get are out of love and concern for our wellbeing. But the longer we wait the less people seem to know what to say to us. It is an unusual place to be. We get that. As part of our calling to adoption we feel it is also our duty to educate and empower those around us. We hope this blog will leave you with a little better idea of how some adoptive parents feel and how your words make an impact…

A collection of comments from adoptive parents

Words that hurt:

“Don’t you want to have your own kids?”

“When people don’t say anything at all – I am sure it is because they don’t know what to say. But to me, that’s one of the most painful ways to respond. It is real to us and I want it to be real to them too (especially to the people we are closest with). To not bring it up is to both deny the pain of what we’re going through and to deny the reality that there really will be a child for us at some point. Can you imagine someone going through a pregnancy with their friends and family never asking how they are doing or how the baby is doing?”

“My advice would be to be mindful of an adoptive mom’s feelings at baby showers.”

‘“Why don’t you just try to get pregnant?’ The problem doesn’t lie in whether or not we can become pregnant. The problem lies in the assumption. The assumption that since it is a harder and longer journey to our Ethiopian child, that a biological child would be more desirable.”

Words that help:

“To me, the most helpful and loving thing that people can do is to acknowledge and validate the pain we are feeling, to cry with us and to pray for us. We just want the people in our lives to say ‘We love you guys and are so sorry that you are experiencing this pain right now.’ That to me is so much more helpful that the person who off handedly responds that we need to trust God and its all going to work out.”

“I just like it when people ask me real and honest questions. Questions like, ‘So what happens next?’ or ‘Why does it work that way?’ It lets me know they are concerned.”

“I love being able to educate people about adoption. When they walk away saying, ‘Wow, I never realized there was so much to it…’”

“I would rather have someone say, ‘I have no idea what that must be like and how you are feeling, but I love you and I am here for you.’”

Thanks again for your support and encouragement during this long process. We feel so fortunate to have such a great network of people that will walk alongside us as we daily figure out how to live purposefully and to be fully present in each moment. We love to answer questions about adoption. Please don’t hesitate to talk to us if you think that this might be something you are interested in. God has called our family to this journey and we know He will be faithful to complete it!

A hairy situation

About the time we started our plan for adoption I also coincidentally started growing out my hair. At first it was for practical reasons…I wanted to be able to pull it back into a pony tail for our overseas trip to Tanzania. Now the increasing length seems almost symbolic of our waiting time. I decided to embrace the symbolism rather than becoming embittered by it.

These growing pains are a necessary part of the journey and quite evident to those who know me well. This process of waiting has changed me. So it seems fitting that I look different on the outside because the inside is slowly being transformed day by day. The growth is hard, but so good. I trust this time will allow Jeremy and me to be stretched and molded into the kind of parents our kids will need. Because of this I have decided that from now until the time we bring home our firstborn I will continue to let it grow. Hoping it will happen before I start looking like Rapunzel!

Worth every minute

Today marks the one year point since our paperwork was submitted to Ethiopia. On that day we never would have guessed that it would take this long (at that point there was an estimated 4-6 month wait). We are trying to be cautious in our response when people ask us about how the process is going. Adoption is so dear to our hearts that we would not want any comments coming from our impatience or emotions to cause someone else not to adopt. There are already so many negative ideas floating around about the cost, the wait times and the difficulty of adoption. It is hard to know what to say. So we smile and respond, “We are just waiting.” Some days it feels like we are pretending, like this waiting will never come to an end. We wish we had a “due date” like many of our friends who have gotten pregnant and had babies since our adoption process began. Often it feels like our entire life in on hold. It is hard to make any kind of plans for the future when there is an empty space in our family and we don’t know when it will be filled. And then there are times when I (Megan) cry for no apparent reason at a commercial, song on the radio or picture of a child, not realizing I had been holding back tears all day long. It those moments God gently reminds us that the ache we are feeling is a necessary part of this process. He is making room in our hearts for the child that one day we will get to hold in our arms.

The reality is adoption is a battle for the lives and hearts of children. It is standing up and telling them they are worth it, every minute, every penny and every emotion. This is the first time either one of us have really had to wait a significant amount of time for anything we wanted. It is hard. It is humbling. And we are confident it will be worth every minute. We are just waiting…and that it okay.

Nursery (phase one)

The concept for our nursery started from a purchase we made on our last overseas trip. This baby quilt was made by the beautiful hands of the hardworking women of Tanzania. We loved the patterns and colors and decided to use it as a centerpiece for the room.

We painted the room pale yellow and used various fabrics in navy blue and burnt orange.

My mom generously offered to make the bedding and curtains. They turned out just as we had hoped!

We saw the tree decal on my sister's favorite web site: Etsy.com...."the world's most vibrant handmade marketplace."

The dresser was purchased from Craigslist and lovingly sanded and painted by Jeremy.

The shelf is already looking great thanks to many of our friends and family who have given us books and toys for our future child.

So excited to fill this room with a little bundle of joy!

10 months

Who would have thought the time could go by so fast yet seem like it has been forever since we sent our documents to Ethiopia. We have been doing all we can to be patient and stay busy with work, church, family and friends but our minds continue to go back to our child we have yet to meet. While thinking about our future child, questions about the biological parents also come to mind. Are the mom and dad still together? Do they have other children? How old are they? What is their living situation? And what about the mother….Is she pregnant now? Does she have enough food to eat? Will she make it though childbirth? Does she know she won’t raise her child? It brings such a whirlwind of emotions. The reality of the situation hits hard. Although, this month, we have been waiting 10 months to be matched with our child, our pain in waiting is nothing in comparison to the other parents in this story. Generally, I think of adoption as beautiful, but it is also more than that. It is complicated. It begins with tragedy. How I mourn for the family of our future child because I know their loss is our gain. Terrible sorrow will take place in their lives. That is not beautiful. We pray from our child’s family often, for the health of the mother, for their living situation and other children in the family. Most of all we pray that the Lord has provided them an opportunity to hear about His Son, and they have responded with open hearts.

Adoption saves lives and gives opportunities, but it also involves great loss. For us – the loss of the traditional family, loss of the experiences of pregnancy and labor for our first child. Even more for our child – loss of family, loss of culture and loss of identity. International adoption requires more than just love. We must be committed to the best interest of our child as their educator, counselor and advocate. To the best of our ability we want to learn about Ethiopia. We would like to know about his or her family and the customs they will be born into. It is our desire to incorporate as much of this knowledge as possible in the raising of our children. We look forward to the day when we will bring him or her back to their birthplace.

So we continue our study of the land of our firstborn. We are eager in learning all about the people, the food and the traditions before we even step one foot onto the soil of Ethiopia. Did you know in Ethiopia when children lose a baby tooth, they don't put it under their pillow for the tooth fairy? Instead, children throw their baby tooth on the roof of their house and sing a song to a special bird. The bird then flies to pick it up and in return will give the child a brand new shining tooth. Check out the song!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8-Y1kSiqWw&feature=youtu.be