We want to start with a HUGE thank you for the love, support and encouragement you have given us during these last two and a half years. This has been both the hardest and the best thing we have ever done. We are so fortunate to have you in our lives. This is a difficult letter for us to write. It must include an apology. Some of you may get your feelings hurt during the next few months. Please understand that our actions are not intended to offend but rather aimed at what is in the best interest of our daughter. We have done our research and have come up with a plan that we feel can best support her in this transition into our family. Allia has been through a lot in her short 9 months of life. We want her to learn to trust us and know us as her parents who will love and provide for her every need. Adopted children are moved from place to place and live in situations where they are not always able to get one on one attention. This often leaves them with challenges creating the necessary attachment with their parents. So our main priority over the next few months is to dedicate ourselves to bonding with our sweet girl. We wanted to share our plan with you so that you will not be surprised at what may seem like “over-the-top” parenting tactics.
Bonding Begins- Thank You Moby Wrap
Our first month home will be exactly that – we will stay home as much as realistically possible. During this time we will be the only people to hold Allia. We will carry her constantly as if to replicate the time that babies spend inside their momma’s belly. We would be happy to have short visits during this month at home from our close friends and family.
During month two of being home we will start to make trips out and about. Each of us will take turns having evenings away while the other parent gets some alone time with Allia. We as her parents will continue to be the only ones to feed her, change her diaper and comfort her when she is upset.
In the third month we will begin to transition into more of a normal routine as Megan prepares to return to work.
Please believe us when we say that we value your role in our lives and eventually in Allia’s as well. Our efforts are meant to equip her with the skills she needs to grow up as a happy and healthy member of our family. Thank you for your understanding. Of course our timeline may change as we decide what best meets the needs of our daughter. We have a lot to learn as we experience parenthood for the first time!
It is not easy to describe in words. There was so much
anticipation leading up to this trip. We traveled for over 30 hours on very
little sleep and yet when we got there neither of us were tired. We arrived in Addis Ababa around 7am. Waited in line for a long time to get our
visas and gather our luggage. Our guide
picked us up from the airport and allowed us to freshen up at our hotel before
grabbing some lunch and heading to meet our girl. Our first moments were sweet. It was incredible to hold her after all these
months of dreaming and waiting.
That first day was not all easy. She cried. A lot. It was hard for us because
we knew she was scared. I needed that
reminder. Adoption is beautiful but it
comes out of tragedy and loss. It will
take time for her to learn to trust us. We
are so looking forward to having her home and beginning that process! The good news was she loves her nannies
and seems bonded with them...she would stop crying when they came into view and
said her name. Those women love the kids in the transition home. What a
ministry they have!
Getting to know each
other. (day 2)
Day two was far
better than day one! She hardly cried at all. When we arrived we got to feed
her cereal. She is a great eater:) Then we played for a while until it was our
turn to meet with the doctor. She loves to watch the older kids in the home.
They also recently switched her to soy formula because she didn't seem to be
tolerating the other very well...like her dad when he was an infant! During the
meeting she was sitting on my lap but moving constantly. She is a very active
little girl who seems to enjoy shaking toys to hear the sounds they make and
chewing on ANYTHING. Her two bottom teeth have already started to come through.
Our time ended with her falling asleep in dad's arms. Oh how I love them!
Sightseeing and traditional dinner. (day
3)
While spending
time with Allia we were able to give our donations to the transition home as
well as pass out chocolates to the nannies and pencils to the older kids. Also
got to give care packages to two older boys for another adoptive family. They
were really sweet!
After lunch we
went sightseeing to Entoto Mountain. Got a great view of the city from the top
and saw the first church in Addis Ababa.
We went to a
traditional Ethiopian dinner that included entertainment. They sang and danced
and played instruments. It was amazing dancing. The
way they moved their bodies was incredible. They even made us get up and dance
with them for a little while! We were terrible!! But dinner was fantastic. The
evening ended with Ethiopian coffee - it was the best coffee I have ever had.
Really strong and delicious.
Court! (day 4)
The
morning was spent once again with Allia. When it was time to leave we headed
for lunch then to the courthouse. We arrived at 1:30 and sat for what seemed
like forever for it to be our turn. The room was packed with adoptive families
from a variety of agencies and countries. They finally announced our turn at
3:30. The judge asked a several simple yes/no questions and reminded us the
importance of teaching our child about their culture. And then it was over. She
said we passed. Allia is officially ours!
Afterwards
we went to the local lion zoo and then some souvenir shopping. Finally we
stopped by Kaldi's...the "Starbucks of Ethiopia". Jeremy had a caramel
macchiato and I had chocolate chip ice cream to celebrate the events of the day
(and Allia turned 7 months old that day too). What a good day that was!
Change of plans. (day
5)
Well that day
did not go as planned...but it worked out just as it should. We got up early
for our flight to Harrar and stood in line for a long time at the airport. When
we finally got to the ticket counter the guy pointed out our tickets were for
December instead of October. The travel agency had made a mistake. Our guide
felt terrible. We tried to get standby seats but there were not enough
available. Jeremy and I decided we were just as happy to stay in Addis and spend
more time with Allia. They offered to get us on a flight later that afternoon,
but we declined not wanting to waste any more time at the airport. So instead
we drove to the transition home and spent six and a half hours with our
daughter. Such a relaxing day! God knew exactly what we needed: just more time
with our daughter. Someday we will all take that trip to Harrar together:)
A glimpse of the future. (day 6)
Our driver and
guide picked us up at 9:30. We told them we wanted to go somewhere to buy coffee
so we stopped by a store on the way to the transition home. We spent the day
with our DAUGHTER. Still can’t believe she is ours. We fed her bottles. Changed
her diaper. Held her in our arms as she napped. It was a little glimpse of life
once we come home together. Our happy
family of three.
Headed home. Or so we
thought! (day 7)
That day we soaked her in. Every smile. Every coo. It was incredibly hard to say goodbye. We know
that she is in loving and capable hands. But it was just so difficult to leave
her once we had held her in our arms. Jeremy prayed over her. I whispered in
her ears that we loved her and would be back soon. And then Jeremy handed her
back to the nannies because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. We both cried
in the van on the way back to the hotel.
We left a piece of our hearts in Ethiopia.
So
when we got to the airport that night they told us our flight to DC was
cancelled due to the hurricane. Honestly we had not been paying much attention
to the news and had only heard of the storm that morning at church. After borrowing a cell phone off of a
friendly stranger we
managed to get in contact with our driver so he could come back and get us. We drove
back to the hotel, explained our situation to the girl at the front desk and sat down to figure out what to
do! With the help of our travel agent we purchased tickets for the next night
that would bypass the east coast. We got
another day with Allia out of the mess:)
At 2:30 in the afternoon on a Friday we got THE call. It was a wonderful day. The timing was obviously orchestrated by our Loving Father. We are never together at 2:30 in the afternoon on a weekday…except for August 17, 2012. Jeremy had a lull in his usually busy work schedule so he decided to work from home that day. It just so happened to be my day off work. My aunts were in from out of town and I had planned to meet them and my mom for lunch and spend the day together. After lunch they convinced us to stop by a local coffee shop for a blended pick-me-up. We were in a separate car so that Jer could easily get back home to finish work. As soon as we got back to our car with frozen treats in hand Jeremy felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He had a message and a missed call. He looked at the number. Area code 703. Voice shaking he said, “I think we just got our referral call.” With a racing heart I looked at my phone and saw I had a missed call too. It had been too noisy in the coffee shop to hear my phone. Our family coordinator said in the message that the office was closing for the day (as they are on east coast time) but she graciously gave us her personal number so that we could get in touch with her. We hurriedly dialed the number. She gave us the news we had waited 21 months to hear. They had a child for us. She is 4 months old. When we started this journey our social worker told us that more than likely we would get a boy because they had a higher adoption rate. Throughout the wait both our moms and several close friends told me they dreamed our baby was a girl. What an unexpected gift. We got to listen as she told us some background information and medical history on our little girl. I had to pinch myself to be sure it was actually happening. By the time we got to my parents house over 20 minutes had elapsed. We knew my family would be wondering what took us so long. They teased us by asking if we had been making out in the parking lot. I wasn’t sure how to tell them - so I just blurted out with tears in my eyes, “We got the call!” Chaos ensued. My mom jumped out of her seat and knocked over (Jeremy insists she karate kicked) my aunt’s coffee as she rushed to give us hugs. Once everybody settled down we went inside to their computer, checked our email and got to see her face for the very first time. It was love at first sight. The rest of that day and the next were spent sharing our joy with family and close friends. We even got to call Jeremy’s mom and sister-in-law all the way in Tanzania!
Since then we have been getting a lot of questions about her. Unfortunately we are unable to share her name, pictures or really any information until we pass court. When will that be? Courts are closed for the rainy season until October 1st. We hope to be assigned a court date sometime that month. So for now we are staying busy getting ready to bring her home. Jeremy is working on a big project redoing our backyard and Megan is reading up on attachment and everything else that comes with adoption. Each day we gaze into her smiling face and know this is the child that God chose for our family.
In the car right after we got our referral call.
A care package we put together for our little girl. Another family will deliver it for us next week!
After much searching we FINALLY got the opportunity to attend an ETHIOPIAN cooking class. The options in Portland are quite limited so we took ourselves for the weekend to Seattle and as a bonus got to attend a Mariners game too. During the class we learned a lot about Ethiopian culture and made some super delicious food. The main ingredient in Ethiopian cooking is berbere: a combination of many spices and dried ground chilies. It was said that berbere is to Ethiopia as curry is to India. Megan's favorite was the misser wot or red lentil stew and Jer really liked the beef tibs which is basically an African version of steak stir fry.
Check. It. Out.
Looking forward to making many family Ethiopian meals in our home!
Well let's be completely
honest...we all know Megan has been writing the blog entries. That is because
she is amazing at putting together words in the English language to
express the way she is feeling. So since it is around Father's Day, I thought it
was about time I spend a few minutes (okay weeks) to put down some of my
thoughts about the process. The best time to stop reading would be now...you
won't miss much.
If I was to list a few of my
feelings (no specific order):
Frustrated
Scared
Amazed
Unworthy
TRULY BLESSED
Let me take a minute to explain
each of these a little for you. Any expecting parent is scared. What if you're
not the parent you want to be? What if you mess something up? This is natural
feeling...I hope. Frustrated!! Many would assume because of the process or wait
time. That is not the case. I'm frustrated because there is nothing I can do as
dad to get my child home any sooner. The process and wait time is all part of
God's plan and I just need to be looking to Him for strength. How can I not be
amazed? God is creating a child that we will love for and care for thousands of
miles away and He has already placed love in our hearts for him/her. You might
ask, how can you feel unworthy and truly blessed at the same time. I guess I
would explain it this way, I'm blessed with life, a beautiful wife, a loving
family, a great church and most of all being adopted by my loving,
heavenly Father. But I feel so unworthy of all thee things and most of all
being responsible of one of God's precious children.
In the end, God is amazing and for
some reason continues to bless us even when we fail in so many ways. Oh, I
forgot one. EXCITED!!!
Went out for dinner this week at our favorite Thai restaurant….we were excited over the silly fortune cookies we received at the end of our meal. God continues to remind us of His faithfulness is BIG and small ways. There has been a lot of movement on the waiting list over the last few months! Three infant referrals from our adoption agency in February, four in March and one so far in April. Seems like our wait is a little easier as we can see a faint light at the end of this long tunnel. Looking forward to the day we announce our own referral, but for now we are celebrating with others who get to look at the beautiful faces of the newest members of their families.
What we did while we were waiting for YOU:
Went to Colorado, Crater Lake, Seattle and Africa
Bought a Prius
Decorated your room
Spent lots of time with high school students
Started a new hobby - snowshoeing
Studied for a nursing certification & an architectural exam
Practiced cooking and eating African food
Read parenting and adoption books
Picked your pediatrician
Celebrated the birth of your cousin Adelaide
Prayed for you, longed for you and imagined the day you would come home
“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush
Recently we have joined a network of other waiting parents from our adoption agency. It is a place where we can share our feelings openly, offer support/encouragement and pray for one another. Many of these families have expressed pain that comes from the words of others who are possibly insensitive or just naïve to the adoption process. We feel so fortunate to have a VERY supportive circle of family and friends that are making this adoption journey with us. Ninety nine percent of the comments we get are out of love and concern for our wellbeing. But the longer we wait the less people seem to know what to say to us. It is an unusual place to be. We get that. As part of our calling to adoption we feel it is also our duty to educate and empower those around us. We hope this blog will leave you with a little better idea of how some adoptive parents feel and how your words make an impact…
A collection of comments from adoptive parents
Words that hurt:
“Don’t you want to have your own kids?”
“When people don’t say anything at all – I am sure it is because they don’t know what to say. But to me, that’s one of the most painful ways to respond. It is real to us and I want it to be real to them too (especially to the people we are closest with). To not bring it up is to both deny the pain of what we’re going through and to deny the reality that there really will be a child for us at some point. Can you imagine someone going through a pregnancy with their friends and family never asking how they are doing or how the baby is doing?”
“My advice would be to be mindful of an adoptive mom’s feelings at baby showers.”
‘“Why don’t you just try to get pregnant?’ The problem doesn’t lie in whether or not we can become pregnant. The problem lies in the assumption. The assumption that since it is a harder and longer journey to our Ethiopian child, that a biological child would be more desirable.”
Words that help:
“To me, the most helpful and loving thing that people can do is to acknowledge and validate the pain we are feeling, to cry with us and to pray for us. We just want the people in our lives to say ‘We love you guys and are so sorry that you are experiencing this pain right now.’ That to me is so much more helpful that the person who off handedly responds that we need to trust God and its all going to work out.”
“I just like it when people ask me real and honest questions. Questions like, ‘So what happens next?’ or ‘Why does it work that way?’ It lets me know they are concerned.”
“I love being able to educate people about adoption. When they walk away saying, ‘Wow, I never realized there was so much to it…’”
“I would rather have someone say, ‘I have no idea what that must be like and how you are feeling, but I love you and I am here for you.’”
Thanks again for your support and encouragement during this long process. We feel so fortunate to have such a great network of people that will walk alongside us as we daily figure out how to live purposefully and to be fully present in each moment. We love to answer questions about adoption. Please don’t hesitate to talk to us if you think that this might be something you are interested in. God has called our family to this journey and we know He will be faithful to complete it!
About the time we started our plan for adoption I also coincidentally started growing out my hair. At first it was for practical reasons…I wanted to be able to pull it back into a pony tail for our overseas trip to Tanzania. Now the increasing length seems almost symbolic of our waiting time. I decided to embrace the symbolism rather than becoming embittered by it.
These growing pains are a necessary part of the journey and quite evident to those who know me well. This process of waiting has changed me. So it seems fitting that I look different on the outside because the inside is slowly being transformed day by day. The growth is hard, but so good. I trust this time will allow Jeremy and me to be stretched and molded into the kind of parents our kids will need. Because of this I have decided that from now until the time we bring home our firstborn I will continue to let it grow. Hoping it will happen before I start looking like Rapunzel!
