“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush
Recently we have joined a network of other waiting parents from our adoption agency. It is a place where we can share our feelings openly, offer support/encouragement and pray for one another. Many of these families have expressed pain that comes from the words of others who are possibly insensitive or just naïve to the adoption process. We feel so fortunate to have a VERY supportive circle of family and friends that are making this adoption journey with us. Ninety nine percent of the comments we get are out of love and concern for our wellbeing. But the longer we wait the less people seem to know what to say to us. It is an unusual place to be. We get that. As part of our calling to adoption we feel it is also our duty to educate and empower those around us. We hope this blog will leave you with a little better idea of how some adoptive parents feel and how your words make an impact…
A collection of comments from adoptive parents
Words that hurt:
“Don’t you want to have your own kids?”
“When people don’t say anything at all – I am sure it is because they don’t know what to say. But to me, that’s one of the most painful ways to respond. It is real to us and I want it to be real to them too (especially to the people we are closest with). To not bring it up is to both deny the pain of what we’re going through and to deny the reality that there really will be a child for us at some point. Can you imagine someone going through a pregnancy with their friends and family never asking how they are doing or how the baby is doing?”
“My advice would be to be mindful of an adoptive mom’s feelings at baby showers.”
‘“Why don’t you just try to get pregnant?’ The problem doesn’t lie in whether or not we can become pregnant. The problem lies in the assumption. The assumption that since it is a harder and longer journey to our Ethiopian child, that a biological child would be more desirable.”
Words that help:
“To me, the most helpful and loving thing that people can do is to acknowledge and validate the pain we are feeling, to cry with us and to pray for us. We just want the people in our lives to say ‘We love you guys and are so sorry that you are experiencing this pain right now.’ That to me is so much more helpful that the person who off handedly responds that we need to trust God and its all going to work out.”
“I just like it when people ask me real and honest questions. Questions like, ‘So what happens next?’ or ‘Why does it work that way?’ It lets me know they are concerned.”
“I love being able to educate people about adoption. When they walk away saying, ‘Wow, I never realized there was so much to it…’”
“I would rather have someone say, ‘I have no idea what that must be like and how you are feeling, but I love you and I am here for you.’”
Thanks again for your support and encouragement during this long process. We feel so fortunate to have such a great network of people that will walk alongside us as we daily figure out how to live purposefully and to be fully present in each moment. We love to answer questions about adoption. Please don’t hesitate to talk to us if you think that this might be something you are interested in. God has called our family to this journey and we know He will be faithful to complete it!
